A true friend

You look kind of down, is everything okay?

I’m doing okay, well, actually I’m not, I’m kind of going through a lot right now. I don’t have any friends, and I’m afraid no one loves me.

That’s a lot, I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through that.

Thanks, that means a lot.

I know this might sound weird since we just met and all, but I’d really like to be your friend. I know what you’ve been through and I can be here for you.

Would you really? I’ve never met anyone like you before.

Yeah, I’d do that for you. I really care about people and just want to do what I can to help everyone…
…
…there’s just one thing.

If you want to be my friend, there are a couple of things you should know.

Oh, that’s okay, just tell me and I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Oh, it’s nothing much at all. Just a few rules that I like all of my friends to follow so that they don’t get hurt and that everything works out smoothly. It’s barely going to be an inconvenience.

Wait, are you saying that I have to follow rules to be your friend?

Oh, no, it’s nothing like that! Well, okay, it’s a bit like that, but it’s more for your good than for mine. You’re in a bad place after all, and there are a few things that I think you should do to help with that. It’s not going to be an issue. And even when it is an issue, it’s still going to be okay, because I’m always going to be there for you.

I guess that’s alright then.

Trust me, it is! You’re going to be amazed at how good things will get with me as your friend too. It’s going to be perfect, but even when it’s not I’m going to be such a good friend that it won’t matter. I’m always going to be there for you, and I’ll solve all of your life’s problems for you too. Now that we’re friends, you can pretty much just sit back and let me take control of your life. You won’t have to worry about anything anymore if you just trust me.

That sounds really nice, but shouldn’t I learn to do some things for myself?

That’s a nice idea, but how has that been working out for you so far? You’re lonely, depressed, and no one else really loves you. If you were going to have figured this out on your own, wouldn’t you have gotten there already?

Let’s face it. You need me.

I definitely need help–and I’m willing to do anything at this point. Can’t hurt to try it.

Exactly, it won’t hurt at all, not ever. I’m going to protect you from everything else out there that might try to harm you. I’m the only one who is always going to be here for you. You can always count on me. I’m your friend, and that’s just what friends do.

You really are a good person aren’t you?

I am! In fact, I’m such an amazing person that you’re going to become a better person just by being around me. Actually, I’m so good that you’re even going to become a better person by thinking about me. If you stick with it for the rest of your life, you might even become just a teensy weensy bit like me too. Of course, you aren’t allowed to say that to anyone, and you should feel a little bit guilty even for thinking it, but it might happen if you’re really good at following my instructions.

I do want to become a better person, but I always thought that was something that people had to do for themselves.

You? Make yourself a good person on your own? I hate to break it to you, but as your friend, I have to be honest. The real reason that you’re in such a terrible situation is because you are a bad person. You’re shitty. Completely rotten to the core. Even your best efforts at fixing yourself will only ever make it worse. The problem is that you are so screwed up that you wouldn’t recognize something good if it walked in the front door and said, “I’m something good!”

I know I’m not perfect, but I’m not that bad. And the world is pretty messed up too!

Have you not ever wondered why the world was so screwed up? Well, the real reason is because of you. Not only are you a shitty person, but you’re in fact so shitty that you’ve left a dark stain on the entire world. It’s not just you, of course, but you had a choice and you played your part. It’s always been people like you who were the real problem here, from the day you were born to the day you die. And that’s really the only solution if you ever were to stop being my friend. You’ll die and I won’t be there to help you.

I don’t want to die!

No one does, but that’s the best part about being my friend. I’ll make sure that when that happens that you’ll come to live with me. I love you and want you to be with me as my friend forever, so I wouldn’t let you stay dead. You need to be with me where you belong, and you can be if you just stay my friend and follow the rules I’ll set out for you.

If it means that I don’t have to be afraid of death, then maybe I can live with that.

To be honest, it’s the only way you can live at all. If you don’t live as my friend, it’s not really living at all. You’ll be afraid of death, sure, but the really scary part is that without me you’re already dead. This thing that you call “life” isn’t even real without me. It’s just an illusion that you create because you don’t want to face reality. You’re not good enough to deserve to live on your own without me. That’s why I have to give you some of my own goodness, so that you can be worthy of living with me by your side.

But how does that work? If I’m the problem, shouldn’t I become good myself?

No, you’ve got it backwards. You’re so evil and twisted that there’s no hope for you to make yourself even a little bit better, let alone to clean up this entire mess that you’ve made. I have to do it for you. It works like this: I’m so perfectly good that just by being my friend, you will become good too. But you won’t be really. You see, we’ll play a little game. I’m the good one, but as long as you love me and do the things I tell you, you get to pretend that you’re good too. You aren’t really though and we’ll both always know that deep down. Whenever you do something good, you’re going to have to give all of the credit to me too. But whenever you do something evil, that will all be on you. Because that’s who you really are. I’ll just let you pretend that you’re not sometimes so that you feel better about yourself. That’s the deal.

I’m not sure I like the sound of this relationship after all. Maybe I should just try to find another friend.

But there aren’t any other friends… They’re all evil people who only want to hurt you. They’re even worse than you are, and if you become friends with them, I will become so angry that you didn’t choose me that I will hunt you down, trap you with me, and torture you for as long as I possibly can–and believe me, that’s going to be a long time. I went to a lot of effort to create a place where people like you could be tortured for as long as possible with no hope of release.

And I did this all because I love you so much that I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else. Love means to have someone else’s best interests at heart, and I have yours at mine. I just want what’s best for you, and it turns out that’s me. And if the only way I can get you to see that is by torturing you if you don’t, I’ll do that gladly. This is what love looks like.

How am I supposed to be your friend with that hanging over my head?

I can’t help you with that, that’s where faith comes in. It doesn’t have to make sense to you. You’re not that wise compared to me anyway. If you were, would you be in this situation? But I have it all figured out and I promise you that it’s the right way to go. You just have to trust that I’m right and believe me. If you can just believe me, it will all work out in ways more beautiful than you could ever imagine. Why would I lie to you? You’re my friend and I love you.

Oh, and also you’re going to have to find a way to convince your children to believe in me too. I need to be their friend as well.

How am I supposed to do that if I’m not even always sure myself?

I don’t know, but you’ll have to figure it out. You could lie to them, hurt them, emotionally manipulate them, and make them believe that they have no worth if they don’t love me and do the things I say. If you don’t coerce them into thinking that way, I’ll torture them too.

You’re really saying that you’d torture my kids?

Yeah, that’s right, I’d rip heaven and earth apart just to be with you and your kids. I’d let ten thousand people die in agony just to save them. That’s how much I love all of you!

But don’t you love everyone else too?

Yes, I love everyone.

But that is ridiculous! How can you call that love?

It is love because I call it love, and I love them as much as I love you, don’t you see? I love them in exactly the same way that I love you. You don’t need to think about it. You just need to have faith and be my friend.

I’m starting to think that you don’t know anything about love and that maybe I don’t want to be your friend at all. Who did you say that you were anyway?

The real question is who do you say that I am? That will decide everything.

The choice is yours.